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fruit lovers

This is probably one of the most difficult things to do but I am going to do it anyway and hope that you will not look at me differently, instead draw inspiration from my experience. I hope that this will help someone out there to reach out for help before it is too late.

You hear about mental health issues in passing on the radio, television, you read about it on some article in your favorite magazine or paper. When you read about it, you think to yourself it’s not a me thing or it would never happen to me. It happens somewhere out there in the world.

I personally never imagined going through a mental break-down and giving up on my willingness to live every day. Being in my twenties, I came to realise that the twenties in the 21st century have become one of the most difficult stages of growing up. There is so much pressure to achieve and do so many things all at the same time, All of these pressures being societal and us putting ourselves under this pressure.

I found myself out of check with my emotional, psychological, and social well-being. We wake up every day with a purpose and willingness to do something – its normal it’s what we do as human beings we LIVE. However that was not the case with me, I hated waking up, I wanted to sleep all the time. I would wake up and cry for a then, no apparent reason. It bothered me why I could not figure out why I was so sad. I mean I’m a very cheerful person always spreading that energy to everyone around me, but this time I could not translate that back to myself. t bothered me that I could not help myself out of this ditch I was in.

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Who would I speak to? Are they going to judge me? I had no idea? What about family and friends or even colleagues – could I speak to them? No, that is what I told myself at least. I cannot stress out my family in South Africa I chose to be here, in the United States so I should figure it out myself. My friends would definitely not understand, I’m the fun spirited & happy soul. I am absolutely perfect in their eyes, I cannot taint or obscure that image. I’m the strong one. They can all lean on me and I’ll figure it out. And for work colleagues absolutely not, It is unprofessional of me and I will not be treated the same.

So I continued soldiering on with the hopes that I could figure it out, instead the opposite was happening. I was pulling away from people and my usual activities. I stopped eating, I only drank water and took multivitamins. I was so overwhelmed by this cloud of sadness & grief that I could not explain and everyone around me could see it. I was slacking at work and everything was just falling apart. I was really scared and feeling anxious the whole time. I remember even writing in my journal that “I want to give up and I want it all to end, I tried and this is it”. The thoughts were too heavy for me, I was so tired of crying and feeling like I had no purpose.

In the midst of my mental break down I still had a voice in me driving me to keep on trying, even if it was to just open my eyes. It was there all the time “Lesego you’re going to live another day, wake-up”. It is one of the reasons I reached out for help at work and the reception I received was nothing but supportive. You know the company went out of their way to assist me and taking care of my first few sessions with a therapist. The best decision I ever made. I took the first step towards my well-being. Shortly after that I opened up to my close knit of friends and family about my struggle that I was experiencing.

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The therapy was very enlightening for me especially because I was not informed about the mental state of the mind or what is most often referred to as mental health awareness and how powerful the mind is. My therapist helped me to unfold all the underlying issues that were triggering all of these emotions and feelings of distress, one of the issues that came up was that I missed home – South Africa and the biggest one being that I was not realistic about everything happening around me. I was trying to do everything all at once in the pursuit of happiness and success. The job, the man of my dreams, the children, the perfect home and the car. I mean how much more desperate could I be in life huh?

With the therapy I was first able to collect myself, bring down my thought to sync with the present self and everything around me. I came to understand the development of the being and the different stages of life, understanding that each individual had a story and that it all unfolds differently for everyone. Yes there might be some similar journeys along the way but each one would have a factor that would differentiate it from the other. Secondly I learnt to take care of self – it is okay to be tired, I need to rest because I am human flesh just like everyone else. It was very important for me to do this, because I would forget to rest and eat. I’d find myself working all the time even when out with friends. My brain was always in work mode.

Lastly I learnt how to receive and accept help, very important if you are used to being self-sufficient. That is who I have always been, if there is a problem I want to fix it myself without any help and in a way it is a defense mechanism I use to protect my personal life. I’d always think that if someone tries to help me it is because they want something from me in return, however sometimes it is beyond your means and you need that second hand. You are not alone.

I hope that You reading this today will find the strength to reach out for help if it ever gets to the point where you cannot handle the pressure anymore. In everything you do stay ALIVE because You are worthy in this world.

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I am still figuring out this adulating thing and I am not sure how it works. We are all in the same bus traveling to different destinations and arriving at different times. It will all come together eventually.

To my friend Buyi. Gone too soon.

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CELEBRATE

Celebrating a trifling milestone – the big 3 months! It sounds like it’s a mere 90 days that anyone can survive anywhere in the world with the right circumstances, a great job, a small group of good friends and the right attitude right?

resilience

The answer to that question is a hell no! Well I came to the United States with a Vision and GOALS to SLAY! Well it was the other way around, culture shock slayed me and left no prisoners instead I was left feeling imprisoned with no way of escaping. In spite of it all you know what they say “You cant keep a good man down” I have mastered the art of resilience no matter what comes my way and I have mastered shutting out all the noise surrounding me to focus on the full being “ME”. No matter what always happens in your life, I want YOU reading this to always remember that you are not the only one going through it, it’s very cliché of me to write it to you but it’s true and I know it.

insight

I know this because with all of the noise happening around me I was bound to speak to someone and I did. I came to realise that I’m not the only one experiencing it. My peers and I are in the exact same shoes. I found so much solace in confiding in someone about it, it opened me up to accepting the experience and the communal experience and laughing out loud about it.

fulfilment

I am truly grateful for where I am in the present moment and for my family & friends back in South Africa who support me dearly. They get that I am fussy and finicky and particular in all difficult ways that I can be, and they get that. It makes me feel so much better. I am very hard on myself at times, okay maybe all the time (rolls eyes); all this is because I want to manifest all of my thoughts and dreams into existence in an invariable period of time. I want to be an overnight sensation, but in all of this that is not my current reality LOL. At the same time I am tired of being in the learning phase, I am totally over it – “Universe where are you in all of this? God? Hello…its me…Lesego, I’m just wondering if you’d like to meet” I mean? Come on? However, I am coming to learn that once I can fully give in to the whole process it will all come together in one piece, knowing that keeps me sane and fulfilled.

Resolution

Now what about the United Nations of new friends that I have made here in the States? Honestly, they are just as great. They don’t fully understand me as yet but they try so hard and I give that energy back in return and it works. I might lose my mind every 2 seconds trying to explain myself but that is what it is at the moment, and it is completely okay. So I’m here, I AM fully giving in to the experience finally! I think HAHA! I might be back on this page to moan and groan – knocks on wood. I AM this person now, I am celebrating every single day like it is an occasion. How many people get to work in the world’s biggest non-gaming hotel and still get to live their lives in the eyes of media and entertainment? I don’t know but right now I feel very special, so let ME BE!

Spreading All of that GOOD STUFF,

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Check the selection at www.reallygr.com (1)

It has been 42 days, 1008 hours, 60 480 minutes, and 3 628 800 seconds since I arrived in the land of the free and you would expect that by now I would have settled in, blending in beautifully just like it would be expected of any Pisces. That is what at the least the Stars have to say about the Zodiac sign and its children born under the sign.

The diversity in Nashville is unbelievable, with so much opportunity to immerse yourself in the other cultures and learn the different languages. I am regularly surrounded by the Filipinos, Mexican’s, Spanish Las personas, Peruvian’s, Portuguese, Arabs, African’s, Caucasians, and Asians, adding so much opportunity for misunderstanding on a daily basis. I saw absolutely no reason for such to happen until I experienced it at first hand, leaving me fuming with anger and annoyance.

To my disbelief I am a very patient person and I take the time to listen to the next person, empathize with them so that I can understand the point they are trying to get across. I even think that I empathize way too much than I should, I sometimes feel like I bare myself way too much and open up myself to detrimental emotional sabotage. In an incident I had with this person, I mentioned something I did earlier on that particular day jokingly and I thought they did not take it to head because we joke regularly. To my surprise it was not translated in the same way I understood it.

Now I am in a situation. I am being confronted about it by the friend, I have been painted in a negative point of view, the friend does not even ask me what happened and the actual person I spoke to cannot look me in the eye at this point. The anger is building up, I want to give someone a piece of my mind and I am praying to God to keep me sane.

Check the selection at www.reallygr.com

The piece of God in me calls my name – “Lesego take a step back…trace back your thoughts to the conversation that you had with this particular person. Is it possible that you might have been misunderstood?” Yes! This is happening in my mind at the very  same moment that I am trying to explain myself to the friend whom also, does not understand me. At this point I am praying in my language “Thixo Bawo, ndicela ubuye apha kum!(Father God please come back to Earth before i lose it! I need you to translate the words coming out of my mouth)”. I let the matter go right there and then spending the rest of my day in a foul mood.

After all was said and done, I had forgiven my friends and most importantly myself. I realized that I was more upset with myself more than anything because, I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what I said that was wrong and the answer to that was nothing. I communicated in the best way that I possibly could at that moment and there was nothing I could do to change their minds, the continued like nothing happen with no worry in their life. Here I am frustrated replaying the exact moment over and over again – there – it is here where I truly understood that it is not everyone who will understand You in the world. Sometimes you should just let things go and move on. What I am learning from the different people that I meet is that they do not dwell in the past and sometimes I feel they are out of touch with humanity; and this experience made me feel that way. Are you not in touch with your true self? Do you not empathize with other people? Do you not want to understand the point that, the next person is putting across?

I Pray that I never lose that part of me – my benevolence and protect it with all that I can, because I really love that about myself and I appreciate it with all my heart. I am truly grateful.

If you are reading this I Pray that you find it as well.

Love,

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hello...NashVille (2)


New Beginnings, New Life, New Year, a change of Scenery, and all those things that everyone tries to resolute to every New Year.

The truth is, it is so difficult to execute every detail of your life to the Tee. I had no absolute plan or idea that today I would be writing to you all the way from Nashville, Tennessee!!! (“Yasss” just like my girl Zowla would probably say), I had a very good plan of staying fully committed to media and vigorously harassing everyone that I could so that I could make it on radio or television however, the universe and God had a way bigger plan than that I could comprehend. The Universe and God tried having this conversation with me on numerous occasions but I chose to say bye “Felicia” I am going to be a celebrity.

I’m quite sure the one sighed and the other gave me the side look…I don’t know who but, someone amongst the two decded to give me a taste of it and then turn the lights out! You have reached your call limit, please recharge you account before attempting any further calls. Thank you really for the opportunity kodwa…like?#! *bleh*

Yes I did not listen and eventually in the end I gave in to it willfully and here I am today, in the land of the Free and * Ya’ll are goin’get a taste of that Southern Hospitality *

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A view of the Korean War Veterans Memorial Bridge.

Allow me to share my thoughts, share some jokes if I can, and keep you updated with whatever it is that is happening on a daily.

this is..#myLife

Xx,

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***Disclaimer!!! Anything that will comes on this page at times, it will not make sense but i’m sure you will figure it out. Content subject to copyright. Sometimes grammar  will not matter much especially when sharing my thoughts & feelings.